How To Tell A Woman That You Like Her
May 5 2005
>>>THIS WEEK'S QUESTION:
I have recently started to like this girl a lot. We
hang out almost everyday, and everybody that is around
us say that we act like we are going out. We flirt
all of the time, but i dont want to be the one that
admits that i like her first. I have also become really
good friends with one of her friends and she told
her friend that she likes me and everything, but she
hasn't really had too much experience in dating.
She is one of the nicest girls in the world and she
is very pretty so I dont really understand why. I
really want to tell her that i like her, but i have
read your book and you always seem to push getting
the girl to admit it to you first. I think she may
be too shy to do this though. Would it be ok to admit
it to her first in this situation? I know you probably
think hanging out with her everyday seems needy, but
she is the one that calls me everyday and it is very
hard to turn her down. Any suggestions would be greatly
apreciated. Thanks.
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Nice.
Well, today is your lucky day... for today I'm going
to give you advice that will probably be PRICELESS
to you.
First let me start with some ranting, raving, and
confusing double-talk.
Then we'll get to the good stuff.
Let's begin with me verbally abusing you for not paying
attention to what I say, then drift into a little
bit of talking about why your situation is an exception
to a general rule or two...
THE VERBAL ABUSE:
It's annoying when I go to all the trouble to explain
a concept in detail... and try 100 ways to say it
in my newsletters, eBook, etc. and then someone JUST
DOESN'T GET IT.
In your email you say:
"I really want to tell her that i like her, but
i have read your book and you always seem to push
getting the girl to admit it to you first."
Now, what I'm about to say might sound a little
bit "trivial" to you. You might say "semantics" like
the smart people do.
But pay attention.
CLOSE attention.
I do not recommend that you get a woman to admit
that she likes you FIRST.
Getting a woman to admit that she likes you "first"
naturally implies that you "admit it" BACK.
And I DO NOT say "admit it back" OR "admit it later"
OR anything else of the sort.
Why is this so important?
Simple, really.
I personally believe that TELLING a woman that
you "like her" is one of the WORST things you can
do.
If you want a woman to know that you like her,
the best way is to have her FIGURE IT OUT by the fact
that you guys are getting PHYSICALLY INVOLVED.
Let me confuse the issue further...
"Telling her" that you like her and "feeling like
you really want to tell her" are two completely different
issues, and they're BOTH bad... but for different
reasons.
TELLING her is bad because it takes the MAGIC,
the SUSPENSE, the MYSTERY, and the SEXUAL TENSION
out of the situation.
It pops the balloon.
It's kills the chemistry.
FEELING like you want to tell her and then asking
about HOW to tell her is bad because it shows that
you're not GETTING IT.
ANOTHER TANGENT
All right, so let's go off on tangent number 2...
You mentioned in your email that this girl you're
seeing is inexperienced in the dating world.
If she's REALLY inexperienced, then you might be
in big trouble.
See, she might be falling IN LOVE with you.
All of this seeing her every day business but not
taking things to the next level (and feeling like
you want to tell her how you feel really really really
badly) might be setting her up emotionally for a late-night
drive to Vegas and marriage vows at the Drive Thru
with Elvis.
If a woman is inexperienced, then it's very important
that you NOT screw this up. If you do, it might be
bad.
Another thought: When you're with an inexperienced
woman, it's sometimes a good idea to "dial down" the
ball-busting and the Cocky & Funny a little bit.
Instead of having it turned up to a 9.5, dial it
back to a 5.7923 setting. That will probably work
better for you and her.
WHAT TO DO
So let's talk a bit about ATTRACTION.
It happens for reasons that are difficult to explain
to a person who has a "bad model" of how it works.
But let's just say that if it DOES happen, you
want to AMPLIFY it. You don't want to WEAKEN it.
One of the problems with "telling her how you feel"
is that it instantly changes the dynamics of the situation.
When you say "I like you", in her head the woman
hears:
"He is admitting to me that he likes me, which
gives me all the power, which, for some strange reason,
makes me not like him as much anymore."
I realize that this sounds crazy, and doesn't make
a whole lot of "logical sense", but it's what usually
happens.
If you want to "tell" a woman that you "like her",
the best way to do it is to ADVANCE PHYSICALLY.
In other words, TAKE THINGS TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
DO something, don't SAY something.
Words are to be used when ACTIONS don't work better.
And this isn't one of those cases.
Remember "The Kiss Test" I talk about on my website?
Use it.
Remember the exact sequence that I describe in
the bonus booklet that you got with Double Your Dating
called "Sex Secrets"?
Use it.
But DO NOT "tell her how you feel".
Unless, of course, you want to drive to Vegas.
Finally, let me give you some advice about this
situation of "she calls me everyday to hang out and
I can't turn her down".
TURN HER DOWN.
I know, I know... Powerful.
If you're in love with this girl and want to marry
her, have kids with her, drive your cute brats to
soccer practice in your green minivan, and wear lots
of Dockers clothing, then forget what I'm telling
you.
Who knows, you might have found one of those rare,
wonderful women that so many of us guys are looking
for.
But if you're just at the stage where it's time
to take things to the next level, then do it with
your ACTION, not with your WORDS.
How To KEEP A Woman Attracted To You
May 7 2005
If a woman feels no ATTRACTION for you, then
she’s not going to want to be anything other than
FRIENDS with you.
There are a couple of exceptions:
1) If she wants something from you
2) If you’ve pursued her for so long that she
finally “falls into affection” with you - and
decides that you’re probably marriage material
There are probably other exceptions, but these
two cover about 99.97873% of the situations you’ll
run into.
I’d like to talk to you about two important
concepts when it comes to AMPLIFYING attraction.
You may have heard me mention them before.
Here they are:
1) TWO STEPS FORWARD, ONE STEP BACK.
2) NEVER LET THE LINE GO SLACK.
TWO STEPS FORWARD, ONE STEP BACK
A man can go from being not interested in sex to
completely ready and totally turned on in about 30
seconds. Hell, it’s probably more like 3 seconds. Or
.3 seconds.
Women, on the other hand, usually start out with
a spark of attraction, and if the situation goes the
right way, she gets more and more turned on… to
the point where she’s ready to have sex.
This can happen relatively quickly, but it
usually takes HOURS.
One technique you can use to actually AMPLIFY
any initial attraction that a woman feels is to use
the technique that I call “Two steps forward, one
step back”.
This simply means progressing a little bit (like
maybe kissing her) and then stepping back for a
little while (maybe leaning back and holding her
hand or not touching at all)… and then moving two
steps forward again (maybe kissing her, then
kissing her neck)… and stopping again… and so
on.
This builds up anticipation. It makes her think
about what’s happening… and want it more and
more.
Women love to be given a little bit, then
teased… so they are waiting in anticipation of
what’s going to come next. Of course, since you
keep taking a step back each time, it even
amplifies the anticipation and sexual tension
further.
NEVER LET THE LINE GO SLACK
Once you start to “get” how this process of
women getting turned on works, you’re going to need
a way to gauge how fast or slow to go… and to
keep a woman interested without turning into a
WussBoy who calls her 10 times a day.
I call this concept “Never let the line go
slack”.
Imagine that you are holding one end of a rope,
and the woman is holding the other end. Both of you
are pulling gently… enough to keep TENSION in the
line.
It’s a little game.
If she starts pulling, you need to give her a
little bit of slack… but not so much that she
gets it all. And if she starts letting go, you need
to pull a little more to take up the slack and keep
the TENSION up.
This is a great metaphor for the concept of
SEXUAL TENSION.
Most men haven’t the SLIGHTEST IDEA IN THE WORLD
what sexual tension is. But ALL women know what it
is…
Sexual tension is a key to success with women.
So imagine that you’re out with a woman for the
second time.
On the first date you held hands and kissed, and
on this date you’re walking around in the mall
together.
Let’s say you’ve been teasing her a little bit,
and she’s been hitting you and saying “stop it!”,
but she’s laughing so you know that she’s having
fun.
Further, let’s say that you’ve teased her so
much that you can tell that it’s actually starting
to get to her. Maybe you were teasing her about her
shoes being ugly, and she stops after the tenth
joke and asks “Wow, do you really think my shoes
are that ugly?”
At this point, she’s letting go of the line a
bit… and you need to do something about it to
keep the tension up.
So you might say “Oh, no… they’re not that
bad… I’m just giving you a hard time”.
At which point she might say “Wow, good. I was
starting to worry that you really hated them and
that it was bothering you”.
And now you have the opposite situation… both
of you are letting the line go slack at the same
time with this whole “No, I think your shoes are
fine” and her saying “Oh, I’m glad you were just
teasing me” thing.
So you have to do something!
You might say “Well, if worse comes to worse you
can always donate them to the Salvation Army so a
needy girl who doesn’t care if her shoes are ugly
can have them”.
You’ll probably get hit, but it puts the tension
back in the line again!
Of course, there’s an art to doing this
correctly, and you will improve with practice.
You can use this in just about every area
imaginable, from how often you call a woman to
being able to tell when it’s appropriate to give a
compliment (and then say something to take it back
in a funny way!).
The problem is that most guys let things go too
far in one direction… they call every day for a
week instead of letting the woman call them back a
couple of times, and waiting a couple or a few days
to call.
Or they hang on a woman’s arm every minute when
they go out together, rather than giving the woman
some space and letting her come find him.
Or they give a woman a compliment, which the
woman appreciates, then they start giving her one
after the other after the other… which comes
across as ULTRA WUSSY KISS ASS BOY… and drives
the woman away.
Don’t do to much of anything… and never let
the line go slack for too long!
When you use these two concepts together, you
will find that not only will a woman become FAR
more attracted to you, but she’ll STAY THAT WAY for
as long as you want her to.
If you DON’T do these two things, then you’re
probably going to find that women will do things
that make no sense to you, and they’ll RARELY want
to be anything more than “just friends”, because
they just don’t “feel it” for you.
How To End ‘Dating Dry Spells’
May 9 2005
QUESTION
Hey David,
Many thanks to you for your knowledge and insight
on women. I have personally seen a 1000% increase
in my ability to attract women. No doubt this
stuff works!! Now i realize the concept is to
double your dating, and not double your
relationships, but my dilemma is one i’m sure you
get a lot.
Here’s the situation:
I met this girl while out at a local club. I’d
say she was an 8.5 - 9 on my scale. But more
importantly, had a personality to match her looks.
Nice!! I immediately sprang into action and went
over with a simple “Hi”. And we chatted for a
few minutes. I kept up the cocky/funny and played
the character. Apparently my manner and approach
was dead on, because she was very responsive and
in fact commented on the way i presented myself.
So anyway, we chatted, i got her number and told
her i’d call. Said good-bye, and left. I
actually called the next night (Sunday) but we
were both too hung over to do anything. Well, on
monday she called me. And has since called me at
least twice for each time i have called her.
We’ve been out several times for drinks as well.
Here’s my problem. I’m very interested in pursuing
something more than casual dating. How do i go
about balancing the art of cocky/funny and
maintaining interest, but also come across as
relationship material without wussing out?? I
haven’t bought her anything in the way of dinner
or gifts, with the exception of a beer or two.
BUT always after she’s bought a round first.
She’s very independent, and i like that about her.
I don’t want some needy woman clinging to me all
the time, but i would like to keep her interest
high and continue through the various bridges you
mention in your book.
It may seem soon, but this one turns my stomach
upside down and i feel the temptation to “Wuss
out”. BUT I REFUSE to turn into my old self. I
guess i want to know some tips you could offer
when you’ve doubled your dating and you find one
you want to keep around for awhile? Is it ever ok
to express your feelings while still keeping up
the attraction? Or would you just continue doing
what works, and see where that leads? Your time
and insight is greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
J. Jones
Louisville, Ky
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Well, a 1000% increase in success attracting
women isn’t that bad. Try harder.
But your email brings up a topic and scenario
that is very relevant to a lot of guys.
And you’re right… I don’t teach guys how to
“Double Your Relationships”. But that doesn’t mean
that I don’t think that I have something against
getting into longer term relationships.
In fact, I think a great relationship with a
really wonderful woman can be an amazingly
wonderful thing.
The problem is that most guys don’t have the
confidence and choice that comes from
understanding how to attract women anytime,
anywhere… and they wind up settling for whatever
woman happens to like them. And they also tend to
act like total Wuss Bags when they ARE in
relationships because they have fear around the
idea of her leaving.
And this brings me to your question about what
a guy should do if he meets a woman that he’s like
to work toward a longer term relationship with.
The FIRST thing you should do is what you’re
doing… lean back and give her space.
Most guys want to try and “corner the market”
as quickly as they can when they meet a woman that
they like, and try to convince the woman to be
exclusive immediately.
In my experience this is a BAD idea for a few
reasons:
1. You don’t know her very well yet. I make it a
personal rule to not get into a
“boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship with a woman
for at LEAST 3-6 months. I want to get to know a
woman before I’m interested in being attached.
I once met a really hot girl for a cup of tea,
and she told me that she likes to date a guy for a
couple of weeks, then form a monogamous,
long-term, boyfriend and girlfriend relationship
with him, then sleep together.
This was all at the first meeting I had with
her over a cup of tea.
I told her that she was crazy, and that I’d
never get into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship
with some woman that I’d only known for a couple
of weeks… and then I left.
I had images of coming home in a few weeks and
finding her going through my closets and saying
“Who’s is this?”
Get to know a woman before you make your
decision!
2. If a woman is the type that will get into a
serious relationship with you quickly, then
there’s probably a good chance that SHE has some
issues.
The last thing you need is a clingy woman that
is out looking around for a man to complete her
and give her life meaning…
So you’re doing the right thing. Nice.
If you want to pursue a relationship
relationship, then you might want to actually
start doing a sweet, romantic thing or two every
once in awhile.
A card, a flower, etc. is all it takes to
communicate your message. But use them wisely, and
don’t start acting like a needy wussy!
Also, when you start saying things like “I was
thinking about you”, “I really like spending time
with you”, and other lovey talk it says the same
thing.
Again, use sparingly… especially with
independent women!
And ultimately, if you want to actually have a
real, honest-to-goodness relationship, then tell
her how you feel about her.
If you think she’s worth having a relationship
with, then you’re going to need to take the risk
at some point of telling her.
I hope it works out for you!
QUESTION
Dear Dave,
In one of your previous newsletters, you told
us,
“You really need to remember to GIVE
HER THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU!”
I’m in college, and find that I am meeting a lot
of good looking and fun ladies. I met a girl,
she’s a perfect 10. Anytime I talk to her or see
her, I am as cocky/funny as I can be, and it seems
to work. The problem I have is that she lives in
my dorm. How can I give her that gift? Anything
you’ve got is appreciated.
KR
>>>MY COMMENTS:
It doesn’t even matter if you’re MARRIED AND
LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE. You can still give
someone the gift of missing you by STAYING BUSY,
AND NOT BEING A PEST.
This is a mindset.
It’s something you can do anytime, with anyone.
Next time you talk to her, don’t make plans to
see her, and get off the phone quickly.
Next time you walk by her in the dorm, just say
“HI” and tell her to give you a call tomorrow.
Be busy. Have a life.
But you might want to at least get a date with
this girl before you move onto advanced things
like “giving her the gift of missing you”.
QUESTION
Hey David-
You have some really good stuff to teach. It’s not
just the run-of-the-mill “how to get chicks” info,
but a more in-depth psychological approach to the
problem (which isn’t much of a problem if you use
techniques like yours). Anyway, I was just
working on my C&F by giving girls some flack when
I can. It seems to work well. However, I was
wondering what you’d say in this situation: I was
talking to a girl and she asked me to do a favor
for her. Using your technique of not seeming wussy
and just saying “uh, OK” I said, “What do I get in
return?” Instead of the responses you talked about
like, “Whatever you want.” and “A hug/kiss/etc”,
which would be easy for me to say “Not good
enough” and dog on her a bit, she said “What do
you want?” I turned around with what I thought was
a pretty good C&F remark of “What? You’re THAT
easy?!? Well, that’s no fun!”
The thing is, I wanted to be able to know what she
thought was okay to give in return, but she left
it up to me, so what do you say to “What do you
want?” to test the waters and/or get the results
you want? Thanks in advance, David. I’m sure
you’ll be answering this question for many readers
besides just me if you post it in your mailbag
emails.
-BS-
Pueblo, CO
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Next time a woman answers the question “What do
I get in return” with the answer “Whatever you
want”, I want you to answer in the following
manner:
“Great, I want a two hour full body massage, a
home cooked dinner, and to be tucked in and kissed
on the forehead just like mom used to do… and
not necessarily in that order.”
Say that.
unbelievable.
you rock, man
ah. yay, seems like yi_iy reads this too. ^-^
which part is unbelievable? me still posting it?
Can ‘Nice Guys’ Attract Women?
May 13 2005
THIS WEEK’S QUESTION
Hi David. I appreciate the service you provide to
us single (and I’m sure some not-so-single) men
out here. I am preparing to download your book as
soon as I am done with this email. About a week
ago at work, a girl that I have known for about a
year now and I were talking about things to do in
the city. She suggested that we should maybe hang
out sometime, and all I said was "I don’t think
you could handle this " – and boom – she was
hooked! I was totally amazed first of all that I
said anything like that, and second that it really
worked!
Now my question: I was at a bar the other night
and ran into a girl that I knew and somewhat hung
out with about 4 years ago and have not seen her
since. She said she was single, and told me to
get my phone out because she was going to give me
her phone number. This is a girl that I have
always [wanted], and now that I have the chance
I’m starting to get cold feet. I’ve set-up a lunch
for this week, but I’m not sure since we already
know each other if I should still do the cocky +
funny deal or stick with (my usual) nice guy
routine?
Thanks again!
Wussy in Wichita. (LOL)
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Here’s a good rule of thumb:
If your behavior isn’t getting you the
consistent results that you’d like to get, CHANGE
IT.
Do ANYTHING different.
I’m serious here.
If what you’re doing isn’t working, DO
SOMETHING ELSE IMMEDIATELY!
And if you’ve FOUND SOMETHING that works, then
KEEP DOING IT!
(Hint: In case you haven’t figured it out, I
think you should ix-nay the ice-nay uy-gay outine-
ray.)
And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the
words “nice guy” translate into “ICE-NAY UY-GAY”
in Pig Latin.
Read that again, because it was pretty funny.
In summary, I think you might want to stick
with the cocky+funny personality. It’s working for
more than a few guys out there, and it can work
for you (as you’ve seen).
On a side topic…
From the way I talk, you might start to get the
idea that I’m against being nice to women.
Quite the contrary.
I think that it’s great to be nice to women.
Just do it in a way that doesn’t make them
think of you as a “nice guy.”
Oh, that sounds interesting.
So the question is: How can I be nice without
making her see me as a super-wussy who would pay a
hundred dollars just to have one quick dig through
her dresser?
I just figured out how to say this in a simple,
concise way… so listen up:
BE COCKY AND FUNNY, AND BUST HER BALLS WITH
YOUR WORDS, BUT BE NICE TO HER WITH YOUR BEHAVIOR.
Wow, that was cool. Nice and simple.
So here are a few examples:
1) Tell her that she walks slower than your
mom, then open all doors for her.
2) Tell her that she’s too uptight and she
needs to settle down because it’s annoying, then
rub her shoulders.
3) Give her a hard time about her driving, then
kiss her.
Are you with me?
One of the concepts that I talk about in my
book “Double Your Dating” is ALWAYS SEND MIXED
MESSAGES.
Why would you want to send mixed messages?
Because it’s interesting.
Because if it’s done right, it’s attractive.
Because attractive women are fascinated by it
when it’s mixed with a cocky/funny personality.
I hope that those reasons work for you.
Attractive women are sooooo over guys who kiss
up to them, buy them things, take them out, and
act “nice”.
Attractive women are looking for something
different.
A challenge. A spark. Sassy, cheeky, mouthy,
ballsy, witty, charming. An unpredictable, funny
guy like yourself to take her attention, and run
with it.
Now, how unpredictable is “nice”? How much of a
challenge is “nice”? How much of a spark is in
“nice”?
Exactly. Not much.
So, in summary: Be nice… but do it on your
own terms. And mix nice BEHAVIOR with COCKY AND
FUNNY COMMUNICATION.
This magical combination will keep her interest
for as long as you’d like to have it.
Remember, attractive women are different. They
know that they can have anything they want. SO
DON’T GIVE IT TO THEM… and they’ll love you.
Does this sound “counter-intuitive” to you?
Good. It is. And it works like gangbusters.
from me: that was a great summary of his approaches
Body Language
May 17, 2005
Most men try to behave like “nice guys” when they meet an attractive woman, but many (or maybe even most) women only feel ATTRACTION when they’re around a man that they perceive to be a “sexual threat”… do you know what a sexual threat is and how to communicate that you ARE one? (And no, I don’t mean that you should communicate that you’re a stalker or a sexual pervert… communicating that you’re a Sexual Threat simply means that you’re communicating sexual CONFIDENCE, which she PERCEIVES on an unconscious level as “serious” enough to be a THREAT.)
http://www.ddeangelo.com/media/bodylanguage/bl_commercial_intro.swf
Eye Contact And Body Language To Attract Women
May 19 2005
QUESTION
Just wanted to share a little bit of what your
lessons have done for me. I read your book and
started concentrating on what I thought was my
weak points. I did as your book recommended and
started picturing myself as the cocky funny person
I wanted to be. I even did the whole daydream
practice thing everyday. I work at a fitness
center so I see lots of hot women all the time.
My biggest weakness is that I look away quickly
after eye contact is made. I decided that before
I started trying to approach women I would make it
my goal for a couple of weeks to just make eye
contact and hold it until they looked away. Ok,
here is the good part. After practicing eye
contact for a couple of weeks and doing the whole
mental exercise thing, I was at work one day
working out after my break and was practicing my
eye contact thing between sets with this really
hot girl near the dumbbell rack.
I knew she noticed but it never bothered me cause
I had no intentions of acting. Well, I had to go
over to get a set of dumbbells for my next
exercise and as I got close to where she was she
suddenly turned around and said “I have a
boyfriend” and turned around. Normally I would
have kinda stood there in shock and said nothing
but, I guess all that mental practice paid off.
With out even thinking or pausing the words just
came out. I said “Hey that’s great I am happy for
you. (Pause - and in a lower tone) I know this is
probably a major accomplishment for you but to the
rest a the world this is kinda normal so you might
not want to go telling every stranger you see.”
Then I just walked off with my weights to do my
sets. 5 min later she comes over to me and
apologizes and asks for my number. Turns out she
didn’t have a boyfriend but was just tired of
being picked up by losers while she was trying to
do a workout. Thanks for the pleasant surprise!
KAL
>>>MY COMMENTS:
Niiiiice one.
Your letter is really a wonderful affirmation
and summary of some of my favorite concepts:
1) Read my book “Double Your Dating” 2) Actually
use the material and mentally rehearse 3) Start
from where you’re at 4) Be Cocky & Funny 5) Show
complete indifference 6) Use illogical Jedi-Level
mind power to create ATTRACTION.
于 2005-05-14 01:08, gogatsu 写:
So, in summary: Be nice… but do it on your
own terms. And mix nice BEHAVIOR with COCKY AND
FUNNY COMMUNICATION.
This magical combination will keep her interest
for as long as you’d like to have it.
Remember, attractive women are different. They
know that they can have anything they want. SO
DON’T GIVE IT TO THEM… and they’ll love you.
Does this sound “counter-intuitive” to you?
Good. It is. And it works like gangbusters.
agree with the logic here... people always treasure things that they don't have more than things that they already have... so, playing hard 2 get it a good strategy... even tho i still think that dating shouldn't be about playing games...
于 2005-05-20 03:03, paigewen 写:
agree with the logic here… people always treasure things that they don’t have more than things that they already have… so, playing hard 2 get it a good strategy… even tho i still think that dating shouldn’t be about playing games…call me naive~
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it’s true
the reason behind it tho i think is that people associate readily available goods with in-valuables. 话说“物以稀为贵”. he does say try to be different from other guys as well.
I dont think dating is about playing games either.
I think what he says has a lot of truth in it, that a girl would much more prefer a guy who knows what he’s doing, secure about himself, and can hold himself together, and his ‘short-cut’ display somehow would give an impression of that.
good good ~~
于 2005-05-20 03:10, gogatsu 写:
it’s true
the reason behind it tho i think is that people associate readily available goods with in-valuables. 话说“物以稀为贵”. he does say try to be different from other guys as well.
I dont think dating is about playing games either.
I think what he says has a lot of truth in it, that a girl would much more prefer a guy who knows what he’s doing, secure about himself, and can hold himself together, and his ‘short-cut’ display somehow would give an impression of that.
true... but i like down to earth guys... don't like guys who r too sure of themselves...
i like down to earth guys too 
Dating After Divorce Or Relationship Breakup
May 27 2005
QUESTION FROM A READER
I am at the end of long long divorce settlement -
(18 months) I started dating about six months
after our split – meeting most on the internet-
Found I was naturally using some cocky and funny
but accelerated when I started getting your
newsletter.
Meeting them and lining them up has been no
problem-but once we are intimate --they want
exclusivity–I can’t know what I want yet (except
sex)–but don’t want some of the good ones to get
away–I keep hearing “you want your cake and eat
it too!!”
Also—had one I was dating recently–wanted to
know about anybody and everyone else I was seeing
—said the openness was good for a relationship.
I disagreed??
rb–michigan
MY COMMENTS:
I’m glad you wrote in, because I think that
this is a topic that is near and dear to a lot of
single men.
And even though I have not been married myself,
I know what it’s like to be in a relationship for
a couple of years and then all of a sudden be
single again… and I know what it’s like to feel
like you’re starting over again.
You have brought up some great points here, so
let’s see if I can add some insight.
First, I think that it’s pretty natural for a
guy who has just ended a long-term relationship to
feel rather “naked” when it comes to women and
dating.
Often times, there are problems and drama when
two people break up, and sometimes you even have
jealousy and other issues to deal with.
So one of the most important things to do when
you’re “getting back into the swing of things” is
to remember that things will improve with time.
It might take you a few weeks or months after
you start dating again to feel like “you’re back”.
You might even feel a little needy and lonely,
which I also think is natural after breaking up
with someone who you were very close to.
A critical mistake to avoid is TURNING INTO A
NEEDY WUSS, AND TRYING TO WIN YOUR EX BACK… OR
TURNING INTO A NEEDY WUSS AND TRYING TO WIN ANY
WOMAN.
Now, it doesn’t sound to me like this is your
problem, but I think that something like this
might be part of one of your problems.
Huh?
Whatever… I’ll just keep talking and you’ll
figure out what I’m saying.
You probably had been in your relationship for
at least a few YEARS. When you’re in a
relationship for this long, I think that guys
naturally start behaving differently than they
would if they were just dating a woman.
It’s natural and expected that you’re going to
see your spouse every day, sleep with her every
night (I said sleep with, not have sex with… I
know, I know)… and generally be “around” all the
time.
Well, when you start DATING a woman, one of the
KEY factors that she looks at to decide whether or
not you’re going to be “relationship” material is
HOW MUCH TIME YOU SPEND TOGETHER.
I’m going to bet that these women you’re
meeting who want to be “exclusive” with you, are
responding that way because you’re spending A LOT
of time with them.
If you’re only interested in dating, and not in
forming a relationship, then try this:
ONLY SEE HER ONCE A WEEK… TWICE AT THE MOST.
And only call her once or twice a week as well.
This should solve your “I want to be exclusive”
problem.
Women tend to get into “relationship mode” when
you start ACTING like you’re already in one.
And a big part of that is how often you see
her.
If you only see her once a week or so, a woman
will sense at a deep level that you’re not ready
to “settle down” with her, and that you’re busy
doing other things and PROBABLY dating other
women.
Next, you mentioned that you were dating a
woman and she wanted to know about every other
woman you were seeing, and that “the openness
would be good for the relationship”.
AH, THE “R” WORD AGAIN!
I wasn’t there when she said it, so I can’t be
sure, but my guess is that what she meant was “The
openness would be good for ME, because I want to
know” and NOT that it would be good for the
“relationship”.
This is subtle, but see if you can follow me.
You said that you disagreed (with a question
mark, which to me means that you’d like to know
whether or not I agree with you disagreeing).
I’d like to know HOW you disagreed, personally.
A lot of guys come across as weak when they
disagree because they just sound either
argumentative or insecure - or even worse, like
they’re trying to hide something.
If a woman said to me “Tell me about all the
other women you’re seeing. I think it would be
good for the relationship”, I’d probably say:
“Whose relationship are you talking about?”
…and then I’d laugh.
Or I might say “I don’t kiss and tell”, then
smile at her.
In any case, I wouldn’t ever communicate in a
way that says “I’m uncomfortable” or “I’m going to
give you what you want so you like me”.
You have to remember that a woman is going to
test your limits at ALL TIMES. And it never ends.
If you kiss up to a woman and give her what
she’s asking in the moment, she probably won’t
respect you in the LONG TERM because she knows
that she can get whatever she wants from you.
So if you answer a question like this by
either:
1) Telling her what she wants to know, even
though you don’t WANT to tell her…
…or…
2) Telling her that you disagree in a way that
makes her think that you’re trying to hide
something…
…then she’s going to feel like she “has
something on you” and that she can get her way
with you in the future.
Or she might just up and leave because she
feels like you’re seeing other women AND trying to
hide it.
I know, isn’t it all so complex?
My personal perspective on this topic is that a
man and woman should typically wait at LEAST a few
months before getting into any kind of
“relationship”.
And if I’m dating a woman and she asks me if
I’d like to get into a relationship, and if I’m
seeing other women, I’ll answer something like
this:
“First of all, I don’t think it’s a good idea
for a man and woman to have a RELATIONSHIP
relationship until after they’ve known each other
for AT LEAST 3-6 months. One of the reasons why a
lot of relationships end so BADLY is because the
two people didn’t take the time to get to know
each other first. Also, I think it’s a bad idea
to talk about other people that you’re seeing
during that time, because almost nothing good can
come of it” - and I leave it at that.
As you can probably tell, I really believe
this.
Again, it’s crucial that you don’t answer a
question like this in a way that is defensive or
argumentative.
If you do, you’ll risk being rejected for being
sneaky or dishonest.
To sum up, it sounds to me like you’re probably
used to being in a close relationship, and you’re
ACTING like you’re in a relationship with these
women that you’re just dating. When you do this,
a woman will start to feel those “relationship”
emotions and start asking questions and behaving
like she’s your girlfriend.
If you lean back a little, if you don’t see a
woman more than once or twice a week, and if you
stop behaving in a way that says “we’re in a
relationship now”, then the women will get it.
They’ll pick up on your body language and
communication and stop acting like girlfriends or
wives.